Men and Sex
I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; ADHD for short. And we talking about the drug his shrink wants to put him on – Dexedrine. One of the possible side effects is sexual dysfunction. And we both came to the conclusion that it’s better to be unstable with an erection than stable without one.

Dogs in a Dog-walking Gang
I was watching a dogwalker walking a “bunch ‘o dogs”. My god, there must have been ten dogs attached to her one hand. And I’m think, that can’t be fun for the dogs at all. So I pulled over, got out of the car and walked quietly behind.

These were the exact words as spoken by said dogs:

“I need this? This is so claustrophobic it’s making me crazy. Man, I’d love to tie my owner up with nine other humans and see how she feels”.

“Rusty – please tell your owner to brush your teeth. Your breath really sucks.”

“I’m a little too close to the asshole in front of me. Please god, help me”.

On Couples
Ok, you're a couple but you're not quite sure if you should stay a couple. Here's a no-fail test that will tell you if you should stay a couple.

Do you look forward to have your picture taken together when the opportunity presents itself? If not, you really don't want to be a couple with that person.

Socks and male self-actualization
As I age, sometimes the simplest epiphanies (big-time discoveries) suddenly make my life that much more worth living. For example, remember how I discovered that I can keep my coffee hot if I put in warm milk instead of cold? Of course you remember. What else do you have to think about?

Here's my new epiphany. I discovered that when I buy socks, if I bought the same design, I never have any problem matching them up after the laundry. (Amazing eh?) So, the last time out shopping, since I like argyle, I went out and bought ten pairs, all the exact same color and pattern.

I cannot begin to tell you how much better my life is.

What was I thinking? Who ever said I have to be a fashion maven when I buy socks? I mean, what's the point? Who looks at our socks anyway? I mean, sure, if you're a business guy and wear pink or green socks, yes, someone will notice and think you're "out to lunch". Otherwise, the only person who looks at your socks is you, let's face it, we don't give a shit.

Coffee and socks are a (real) man's bottom-line, not counting his sex life. I now have both under control. I've reached male self-actualization. Even Einstein would be proud.

Movies for Immature Audiences
I don't know why they don't have a movie-rating for people like me. Every time I see "This movie is rated for Mature Audiences", I wonder why there isn't this designation; "This movie is rated for Immature Audiences". That would resonate.

Give me your exact address!
Don't you just love that request? You want my exact address? Sorry, I'll only give you my inexact address. You'll have to find your way from there.

The Older Man - Younger Woman Thing
People sometimes ask me if I’m interested in younger women. As a committed purveyor of the truth, even if the truth makes me look bad, my answer is thus: how could I possibly want to explain to this younger woman that I like to be in bed by 9:30pm and that I’m at my romantic best so to speak between the times of 1:00pm and 7:00pm?

On Frolicking
How is it, according to all the magazine covers I see, that only the rich and famous have the moral authority to “frolic” on beaches? And what is frolicking exactly? How does it differ from merely “hanging out on the beach”?

Random Thought
If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

Facebook Friends
So you have 346 friends on Facebook do you? That’s impossible, since it’s been proven that the human brain can only legitimately/psychologically handle 150 friends at the most. That is why the weddings or Bar Mitzvahs that are not psychotic have no more than 150 guests. I think a better way to weigh how many friends we have is to ask ourselves, who would come to my funeral?

Why we all want to live by the ocean
Far more "good hair days".

I judge other people's recycling bins
This is how pathetic I can be. When I walk by other people's recycling bins, my inner voice begins commenting and judging them on what they eat. "Man, look at that McCain Pizza box. Trailer trash".

On being John Tory
When young, indulging in drugs, sex and rock and roll is not only natural, it's expected. When I heard John Tory joined the Conservative Party at age 15, I was not only unimpressed, but something inside of me wanted to visit him, put my arm around him to ask if he wanted me to take him out and show him the real world.

On being single, over 40 and having pets
Yes, I know, I “must love dogs (or heaven forbid, cats”. Maybe its time to acknowledge that once you make that part of your dating profile, you’ve begun the process of giving up on finding a human being as a mate and have settled on another kind of animal.

On living life to the fullest
I tried it once. It exhausted me and I had to go to bed at nine o’clock.

The Stockholm Conference
Everytime you watch a video or DVD, a warning comes up. Something along the lines of, "As a result of the Stockholm Conference, copying this movie is illegal and is punishable by five years imprisonment and a fine of $250,000".

Well, I'd love to know who the poor saps are who are serving time. Imagine their status in prison in terms of hierarchy?

Prisoner 1: Who's that guy?
Prisoner 2: What guy?
Prisoner 1: That guy? The skinny, geeky guy with the Woody Allen glasses.
Prisoner 2: Oh him. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
Prisoner 1: What's so funny?
Prisoner 2: He's the only person in America who was prosecuted for copying a movie. He’s serving the full five years. Imagine, serving five years for copying When Harry Met Sally.

Now, I doubt anyone has ever been arrested, let alone served time.

It's the most absurd posting and yet, it likely has been seen by more people than any other public notice.

Imagine sitting on your grandparent’s lap one day, and they say, “You know, I was at the Stockholm Conference when we finally decided it was time to put people behind bars for copying a movie”.

Google – Shoes are more popular that Jesus. “Help me” is #1
Once when I was feeling lost, insecure and vulnerable I “googled” the words “help me” to see if I was alone. I wasn’t and neither are you. Here’s why:

1. Help me: 1,470,000,000
2. Love: 1,040,000,000
3. War: 517,000,000
4. Sex: 467,000,000
5. God: 441,000,000
6. Shoes: 342,000,000
7. Hate: 302,000,000
8. Jesus 263,000,000
9. Hair 239,000,000
10. Fuck 231,000,000
11. Peace 195,000,000

My conclusion
Do you sometimes go to bed at night in a panic, curled up in a fetal position and mutter, “help me Lord”? When you’re in the middle of rush hour clutching your head, do you sometimes find yourself saying, “please help me, I need to get a new life?”

Well, now you know that that’s fine, because you’re hardly alone.

Secondary conclusions
1. War is 5x more popular than peace, which is odd when according to Google, “love” is 3x more popular than hate. I guess it’s true, it’s so easy to say “I love you,” so hard to prove it through an activity.

2. Sex is more popular than God.

3. Guys, “shoes and hair” are indeed important to women.

4. The word most of all of us enjoy using because it is so effective, “fuck”, is bound to overtake Jesus sooner than later.

My version of men are from mars, women are from venus
Men are stupid. Women are crazy. That pretty much sums up how we’re different at the worst of times.

Seinfeld and being south of the equator
I’m sorry Jerry, but that was the only time I was disappointed in you. There’s no ‘guessing’ or ‘hoping for the best’ when you’re south of the equator. If you don’t know what you should be doing there, just ask the woman. She’ll likely be able to tell you.

Why are crime bosses only ever reputed?
Imagine having a job where you just can’t be considered anything more than “reputed,” as if your official title is only ever a rumour? e.g. – Schlomo Pike, Reputed President or Clara Hoppenberger, Reputed CEO.

I finally figured out how to make myself a real hot cup of coffee
I stopped putting in cold milk.

A simple way to live life to the fullest
Buy a fresh loaf of bread and cut your first slice from the middle.

When someone tells you “you don’t know what you’re missing”
You’re on an online dating site and you politely reject the email of a person who is interested you. Said person then writes you back saying, “you don’t know what you’re missing.” In other words, this person believes he or she is perfect for everyone. Run. Run far way, as quickly as you can.

[Back To Pearls]

[Back To Home]